When affection becomes an obsession, you'll find the evil underbelly of bacon gone horribly, painfully and head-shaking-ly wrong. So here's a train wreck of The Other White Meat, well done.
Here are the carefully selected front runners:
Sex Ed, Country Style
At least this guy was creative enough to attempt some kind of art; a pair of copulating pigs underneath an oh-so-clever pun. That apple's a nice touch, too, friend. Really.
Insert Footloose Theme Song
Ha! Cut loose, Footloose, we're with you (kind of). Unfortunately, this tattoo looks more like Mr. Hanky's big brother than an actual piece of bacon. And that cartoon-y smile is annoying.
I Spy a Wife Beater...
Greasy bacon tat or oozing flesh wound? Both, perhaps? In this case, it's all relative.
Mark of the Beast
Not sure what the idea was behind this little gem, but a happy sparrow diving below a demonic bacon emblem is not only ugly, it's confusing. Double whammy.
Because we were looking for an infographic of the process, plus some other pork products. At least he's thorough. Go big or go home, right?
We Hope You Sterilized
Oh nice, a prison tat of burned bacon strips. The silver lining? He can always lie and say it was intended to pay homage to the band Black Flag and his tattoo artist was drunk or something. Yeah, they'll totally believe that.
Sexy Bacon Lubes - Plural
We love having options. Variety is the spice of life, after all. In case you were wondering: Yes, these are real products. And they really take the term "porking" to a whole new level. HEYOOO! (high five)
Bacon Used for Offensive Imitations of Historical Figures
Or, more appropriately, imitations of offensive historical figures? Either way, "offensive" is the keyword here. Bacon should never make up a toupee/mustache combo... especially when the point of allusion is Adolph Hitler.
Bacon as Clothing AKA Redneck Couture
What could men possibly love more than bacon? A bacon bikini on a hot chick, of course! But this attempt missed the mark by a mile. Note to those considering this little DIY project: Don't try this look at home unless you're at least a 6. And the Mom Jeans...? Negative a billion points.
Redneck Couture Part II
On second thought, even if you are hot(ish), bacon as swimwear isn't such a great idea. Winter wear + fake boobs + raw bacon = nothing good.
Oh hey, Wannabe Lady Gaga: Wearing a dress made out of bacon should be tasty-looking and, at least, cut into strips or bits. But this whole slabs of pork dress-thing you've created is just awful.
Oh, we get it. This is what you get when you mix boredom, crescent rolls and a massive amount of alcohol with an excess amount of bacon. Good times!
I Smell Bacon...Oh Wait, it's a S.W.A.T. Officer
We can't decide which is more disturbing: The way that man is wielding his bacon-wrapped nightstick OR the fact that he's not wearing anything on his other nightstick. This painful display of S.W.A.T. attire should be considered animal cruelty.
Don't Forget Baby
From the people who brought you bacon lube! (Spermicide not included.) Bacon Baby: Because you're never too young to fall in love. Or begin blaming your parents for your problems.
Ice Cold, Refreshing Diet Coca Cola... now with Bacon!
Can you say "oxymoron?" I knew you could. This is right up there with ordering a Diet Coke along with your double cheeseburger and extra-large fries.
Bacon as a Condiment
Seriously, how lazy are you if you can't be bothered to cook actual bacon? You can even get it pre-cooked and microwavable, for crying out loud! If you sink to this level, you deserve whatever weird side effects accompany this strange, quasi-liquid substance.
It even looks like little strips... so gross.
We admire art and the fact that, here, bacon is represented in an impressive form. But it is a little disappointing that it doesn't actually look like Kevin Bacon. This is clearly Conan O'Brien.
A fashionable sneaker with an image of bacon.
A sneaker made out of bacon.
Bacon Body Paneling
Bacon Pride Parade? Hell yes.
But...what happens to the bacon when you open the car doors?
"Best Use of Bacon" Merit Badge
This is actually somewhat cool...sans the missing front wheel that may or may not have been mistaken as an edible accessory. But that's OK - this toy car is very nearly a win.
"They See me Bacon...They Hatin'..."
Woven Bacon Range Rover concept. Because if you're going to leave a carbon footprint, you might as well do it in style.
Trust us when we say that these are merely a fraction of the examples we found on our hunt for bacon blasphemy. So, unfortunately, there's a lot more where that came from.